Melly Loves Gradients BIG SHOWBIZ NEWS GOSSIP UPDATE SNEAK PEAK INTO THE LATEST EPISODE OF ‘KREEPING UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS’! I emailed E! to ask for some footage for the upcoming series of KUWTK in order to write a piece for the Guardian’s TV and Film section. They of course complied and sent me a juicy slab of reality TV low fat, zero flavour, quorn meat!!!
First off, I did some background research about North West by heading straight to the Daily Mail website. The first result was entitled ‘North Korea may have technology to fire missile that could reach the U.S. West Coast, says South Korea’. Make of that what you will; this is a gradients blog not a conspiracy theory forum, godammit.
After researching in vain for hours and hours, I watched the episode where were treated to glimpses of Kimye’s domestic bliss. Around the 8.08 mark, however, things turned sour when the kamera kaught footage of KANYE WEST KISSING A MAN. I screenshot the clip and placed it in the northwest corner in front of a gay pride gradient in order to show how totally OK I am with this and not at all surprised. I thought of a joke to express my fake surprise though-‘ Sorry Kanye I didn’t realised you were affiliated with Cock-a-fella records?!’ Kanye then goes on a tirade, exclaiming how he was Bound 2 be gay and that he wrote ‘I am God’ as his coming out song (God being an acronym for Gay, Oh Damn!).
Over in Melancholy Korner, we have Kim Kardashian, krying about this dire state of affairs. Mid way through the episode Kim kries to the kamera, and expresses her overwhelming grief about the affair, her extreme weight gain and inability to kare for something without a spray tan or ability to pout. She takes North into her arms and proceeds to EAT HER whilst instagram videoing herself. She writes the kaption ‘if thers no babie, thers no babie wait, write!?’ In her hormonal state, she konvinced herself that she could quite literally get rid of her baby weight by ingesting the poor child in one fell swoop. Klassic Kim. I chose to use a klip art baby instead of a real one because as an artist and general kool dude, I don’t kondone the photographing of celebrity children. These angels shouldn’t be subjected to limelight without konsent, regardless of who there parents may be. I did try googling ‘half Persian, half black baby’ only to be faced with kopious photos of kats. K’mon google mate, its not that hard of a job. Then I only bloody realised that Kim is half Persian herself so I googled ‘half black, half Persian baby’ and found this little nugget of joy which I placed in the left hand korner. Then I only bloody realised that Kim is actually Armenian which I think is the same thing (think is the same thing being a euphemism for NOT GIVING A SHIT).
There was a lot more to the episode including a bit where they managed to finish paying off all the actor who played papparazos in the Kanye walking into a sign stunt. A bit where Kim gave herself a placenta facial, followed by the realisation that she had fact eaten a child. Without getting the exclusive OK! photos shot first.
Komment is free.